Sunday, October 18, 2009

One secret, old post.

Dear friends who I wonder if you are there and who you are and why you even like me,

I'm floundering.  I'm sucking the happiness out of my life.  I am questioning everything.  I am holding onto the things in life that make me unhappier instead of happier.  I don't know what I want to do.  I don't know what I can do.  I don't know where I can go to make things right.  I don't know if anyone will love me and I certainly don't know where to even start looking to find that person.. And I feel too old for all this confusion anyway.  Should I have questions about what I believe and confidence and happiness?  Shouldn't life be easy, carefree, mindless.... shouldn't learning be something fun and exciting like exploring new places and discovering new things?  I feel absolutely empty and directionless... I feel like I could take a step in a different direction BUT WHAT IF I'M WRONG?  I'm petrified.  What if I move the wrong way.  What if I actually do know what is true and am too scared to commit to it?

What is happiness?
Where is happiness?
Where are friends?
Where is motivation?
Where is hope?

Did I lose it all in the same place?

I am depressed but I think it can be remedied.  I'm ready to go talk to someone about all of this.  I'm ready to move forward with my life.  I need to make some goals.  I need to make some friends.  I need to not be annoyed by my friends.  I need to be social.  I need to serve people.

Maybe that's where I"ll start.  Service.  Ok.  I'm ready to try that.